Everything Scares Me, But I’m Still Brave

What fears have you overcome and how?

I have a relevant post I’ve written on facing your fears before I begin here, so check it out if you please!

I used to be completely controlled by fear. I would lie in bed at night having panic attacks thinking of all the random things that could happen and kill me. The things in my past that I said or did. I felt absolute horror, like if I moved a muscle something terrible would happen.

Like so many of us, I was afraid of what I couldn’t control. I still am in many ways. I’m afraid of what could happen if I leave my children with a babysitter. I’m afraid that one day, I’ll be driving along with my kids and we’ll be involved in a horrible crash. Shit happens.

I’m afraid, and I probably always will be. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t overcome my fears. Overcoming your fear doesn’t mean you stop being afraid. It’s what you choose to do despite your fears that determines courage.

I don’t always succeed in this but I try to do things because I’m afraid these days. I was afraid to start writing this blog and uploading on YouTube. Sometimes following our passions is scary. We don’t know what will happen, but we can’t grow if we never try.

Gratefulness

Describe one simple thing you do that brings joy to your life.

I am very grateful, at least that’s the way I try to be. One of the key elements of being happy and inviting joy into your life is to practice gratefulness.

Instead of letting myself be angry when my daughter won’t listen, I try to remind myself how grateful I am for her and what a wonderful opportunity I have by being her mother and guiding her.

When I’m sad, I feel grateful that I have the opportunity to explore those feelings. I’m grateful for my house when the weather is grim.

Feelings of gratefulness and abundance bring more joy into our lives than feelings of desperation and lack.

The Greatest Job of My Life

What jobs have you had?

I’ve never had any jobs worth talking about in the sense of making money. Only minimum wage or slightly above minimum wage gigs that made me feel like a soulless worker drone and lasted mere months.

My job currently is that of a stay at home mother to two beautiful little girls. It’s hard, especially as one of them is a breastfeeding baby, but it fulfills me more than any of my meaningless jobs ever did.

(This is not me or my baby)

Getting Older is Wild

I’m 31 today. Another year gone by in a flash.

When I was younger, I used to lament about feeling old. Now that I’m truly an adult adult in my 30s with kids, I feel so young and alive, though the years go by faster and faster with age. If I were to dwell on this fact it might start to seem cruel, but who has time for that?

I choose to accept it as one of life’s absurdities and enjoy every moment I can.

Trimming the Fat: From Christian, to Anti-Theist, to Who I Am

Do you practice religion?

The short answer is no, although I consider myself spiritual. However, I think whoever actually bothers to click on this may be more interested in the long answer. So if that is you, hello! Thank you for joining me.

Religion and I are very well-acquainted. I grew up going to church at least twice a week, often more frequently than that due to my mom’s involvement in praise and worship. That is, the praise band, in case anyone is unfamiliar.

As I entered into my teen years, I found my involvement in Christianity felt increasingly farcical. I wanted to believe, but it just felt so wrong. Eventually, I shed my Christian identity and went in the complete opposite direction as a hard-core, anti-theist atheist. I was young, and passionate about the new life I had discovered. One free from nonsensical moral constraints and threats of a torturous oblivion for those unfortunate enough to not believe. Being immature and passionate, I was also a little bit of an asshole about it.

In my early 20s, during an extremely dark period of my life, I left everything behind except what I could fit in my car and started traveling the country. Living in such a state of flow, I saw the universe unfold in fantastical ways I never thought possible. So many cases of synchronicity and manifestation that were difficult to wrap my head around.

After experiencing such things, and taking more than a few acid trips that altered my perspective forever, I now believe in what I call “the Is.” Courtesy of Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach. Favorite book, by the way. Highly recommend.

“The Is” is. It is you, it is me. It is Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Islam. It is the Earth, the solar system, the Sun and the stars. It is everything. It is the universe.

I believe that all religions are trying to describe the same experience, with extra ego-driven stuff thrown in because humans are flawed and tribal by nature.

I’ve learned how to trim the fat of religious dogma, leaving only the substance; the universal concepts that humans have been attempting to explain for millenia.

I don’t believe in the big man in the sky. I believe that I am not separate from the universe, the “Is,” and so I am as much a god as you or any other thing in the universe. We are all different facets of the same gem.

A Simpler Time

Do you remember life before the internet?

I was born the year the internet became available to the public, but during the first 7 or 8 years of my life, I didn’t know what it was or that it even existed. Even after I learned about it in school, most people I knew didn’t have internet. Hell, I still remember the displays AOL had in places like Wal-Mart where you could pick a disc out of the bin and try the internet for 1000 hours.

If you wanted to play video games with people, you played with friends in the same house. I remember my brother owning a book that had cheat codes for every popular game at the time.

It seemed like a simpler time. I’m unsure if it’s because I was a child, because it was pre-9/11, or because we were not so completely absorbed into the internet. Perhaps a mix of all.

Balancing Humility and Pride

What are you good at?

This is a hard question for me to answer, to be honest. Not because I don’t think I’m good at anything, but because it requires me to be vulnerable. Which, I’ve come to realize, is that shadowy abyss I must venture into in order to become the best version of myself.

Saying I’m good at something puts a lot of pressure on me. I want to appear humble, so what if I sound like I’m bragging? What if I’m not as good as I think I am? What if I disappoint everyone because I can’t deliver? It’s very scary for someone like me.

Good thing I’ve decided to do the things I’m afraid of. So, what am I good at?

I’m good at playing piano and singing. I’m good at expressing myself through writing. I’m good at fighting to improve myself and not giving up. I’m a good mom. I’m good at this life.

The Land of Should: A Common Trap on the Journey to Happiness

I’ve spent my life observing. Observing myself, observing other people. All very interesting to me. Something I’ve observed is the tendency many of us have to become trapped in a place I call “The Land of Should.”

“The Land of Should” is a fantastical place. It entices us with promises of happiness and abundance, if only everyone and everything would go EXACTLY the way they should. In our opinion, anyway. Should Land looks bright, shiny and wonderful, but it’s all bullshit. It’s nothing more than a desert mirage, a projection of what could be. Not what is.

My kids should listen to me more. People should keep it down after 10 PM. My ex shouldn’t have treated me that way. It should be sunny out right now. There shouldn’t be war in the world. People should just love each other and themselves and be happy! I shouldn’t have to tell my husband, he should just know!

Should, should, should, should. I’m shoulding all over myself and everyone else right now. And do you know what dwelling on all of my “shoulds” does for me? Absolutely nothing positive.

The world doesn’t operate on “should.” It operates on “is.”

That’s not to say we can’t want things for the world, ourselves and other people. We absolutely can. In order to give these things the greatest chance of happening, we need to move our locus of control to an internal position and operate from the way things are, not the way we wish things were. Change, yes, even changing the world, starts within.